you
well... never actually thought it would come to this or perhaps, i thought you would be the last one i would farewell.
it's funny since it was you who originally showed me that in life, people come in your life and they eventually leave it. but we've known each other so long, been through so much together. while most would probably list the times they had a good time with the person, i will mourn the support you have been in my life.
it's actually a little crazy when you stop to think about. you were the first person i ever opened to. you were the first person i let the walls down and felt comfortable being vulnerable. you got me through my hardest times without ever even asking for anything in return. see that's the thing we had, we didn't need to be"paid" for whatever action we took to help the other, because we knew that the same support without question would be offered once we were the one in need of support. you were always my first call when i had something to share, good or bad. i got to see you grow into a wonderful person but now i guess you've made your mind up. i never thought asking you to elaborate on something hurtful you said would be our last exchange. and the worst thing, i'm not even sure if it was hurtful... you see, you never ended up agreeing to meeting 1 on 1 after what you said. it left me without an answer to what/how i should react to your comment. rather than jumping to a conclusion without hearing your side, i offered we meet. yet, you refused to discuss it. this was always something that irked me about you.
it frustrated me so much because i saw you make some of the same mistakes as i did. trying to bury it deep and not discussing it when something you clearly upset you. and it frustrated me even more because you saw me fail miserably when my own "technique" in burring everything that affected me. you not only saw me burn to the ground but you were the one who picked me up piece by piece repeatedly. i was angry with you for not realizing you were doing the same as i was even after you talked to me about having to face my demons.
but here we are, no longer speaking over something that was said by text. we should know by now, never to text another, we always misunderstood each others texts & intentions. we had made a pact, never to discuss shit back text. but here we are. i thought i had done the smart thing when i suggested to meet in person. it was nothing out of the ordinary, we always cleared the air once we got to be face-to-face. fuck, we're both suck at texting for a generation who nearly grew on sending each other emails and later texts. now i obviously look back and overthink everything. at first i told myself that my asking for us to meet was sent as "normally" as possible. but if i'm being honest with myself, i went directly on the defensive and my self-doubt shined bright when i asked for us to meet. now i'm left questioning whether or not it was my fault or your fault for how you deal with situations that make you uncomfortable. perhaps it didn't even matter.
i wish i could really believe that because then i wouldn't be writing this or have realized i might have to 'mourn' our relationship. i would simply text you and try to save this. the fact that i wrote save bugs me. i suppose i've also decided that you meant not to schedule our meeting because you actually decided to finally move on. and it kills me that it frustrates beyond reason that we didn't get to talk about it. it burns me twice. i hate that some days, i am more angry with the fact that i won't get to know why you decided to simply move on, like those nearly two decades didn't mean anything. and at other times, that anger/abandonment is replaced by profound sadness that i will no longer have the support that only you could provide, having been the only one throughout all of it.
now i'm left wondering if i want to have thoughts of you. i've been getting better at dealing with my emotions. this draft is part of it. it seems it helps me approach subjects that i would of otherwise just buried away. i try to be more open, more honest with myself. i've recently started writing to someone and they have mentioned repeatedly how they cherish every person that crossed their path, good or bad. while i'm not ready or haven't made it there yet, i have been trying to have a more positive outlook. all that to answer my first line which i don't know if those memories will help me in this weird thing called life or if they will fill me with sorrow.
i truly hope i reach that persons' acceptance with what life throws at you, i know in this instant that to me the infamous 'why?' is still more prevalent than acceptance. you really got me good, leaving on the one thing that's irked me all these years. why. you left me with why.
lifelong why
i remember telling my sisters about you and how much they used to tease me with their conclusions on how i felt about you. and what a roller coaster that whole thing has been.
there's a reason why throughout the years you've seen my 'true-self' or at my most vulnerable many times. you did something the first time we were intimate. you probably don't remember it but it has marked my soul for the rest of my days. from that day forth, you were etched in my soul that i could be myself, truly be myself, with all the doubts, weakness - the good, the bad and the darkness. you were the true first spark of light in a time of my life where the darkness was at its strongest. you were the first, i suppose. it's probably no stranger to anyone who knows me well, loyalty is the most important thing for me. it takes me a long time to let someone in. others have also left marks, their own sparks. stars in a moonless night. but you were the first and the one who shines brightest.
i always admired you. your work ethic is matched by none. i find it funny that in (perhaps) my last words about you i can only mention the work ethic. but it doesn't make me second guess my choice of words. i know what that small line truly encompasses. i can't say if i admired you from that time on but i know that that admiration grew as the years passed. you are one of few that i admire. it brings me nothing but joy to see you succeed. i think that initial maturity and respect during that initial spark matched with a growing admiration made it too easy for me to want to be by your side as more than friends.
in the past i would note how i regret not having more self-confidence when we first started spending time together. i told myself for a long time that i didn't admit what i felt because you were dating my best friend at the time and while it did play an important role, i also was scared of what your answer could be. you see, you always had the flirtation thing going and as a teen with zero self-confidence it made me unsure if there was more. yes, i was overthinking everything even during those early high school days. i didn't say anything at the time and only stated as such openly in the last few years. i'm trying to let overthinking go as such, accepting the past and letting go. i'm really working hard for this right now. however, i've never been good at letting go.
letting go
and here it brings us, two decades later, on the brink of letting go. see that admiration i have for you and that star you planted in my soul makes it terribly difficult to let go. i suppose writing also made me realized that there are perhaps one or two things i will have to let go. as this letter draws near the end, i'll say that i still don't know which it will be.
i've tried letting go of you emotionally and thought i was doing okay. if we wouldn't be side by side, i'd be there as you've been. and it worked for some time, perhaps because at times i was truly okay with it. however, at times it was because saying something would all but guarantee the end of our friendship. i didn't think things would work out with your partner if i'm being honest. it's a weird place being in love with someone when they either aren't or/and when they're happy with someone else. it's hard for me to explain. i thought i was doing it well until the last few months where i noticed being jealous over things that didn't affect me. as your partner and you grow, i noticed my place having less importance. i understand that it is normal. emotions aren't explained rationally for better and for worse. i look back and see how often i tried to rationalize everything. try by justifying, seeking some sort of answers. i thought i had found them but to my recent surprise... no i wasn't okay how things were going.
i was secretly hoping one of us would come out and say it. but i didn't want you to say it only because it's what i wanted deep down. i was really hoping you saw me as a similar star in your sky. i would usually write something about why thing didn't turn out but there is no need in speculating and giving myself more ammunition for overthinking this later.
the fact of the matter is: it doesn't matter anymore. not in a fatalist type of way, but simply, there is no to need find out why in order to justify something that isn't rational. furthermore, it's now part of the past. it is important for me to look forward rather than losing myself in the past and what could of been. what i'm awkwardly trying to get at is that: letting go applies twice. i need to let go of the past where i wanted us to be together and i would have had to let you go as a friend because the two are too intertwined.
perhaps i am frustrated at the situation because by letting me go, you are also making me let you go. something i never had the courage to do.
well, i wish that left me filled with wisdom as how to go move forward. perhaps the lesson is in order to move forward, you need to be thankful in the time and memories you spent rather than resenting the future you wouldn't have.
~twas